Annoyance

Please don’t start anything further with this. I talked about my feelings regarding all of this to about a dozen people. The ratio of people who told me to publicly post vs not posting it was equal. I ran the contents here by the people who told me to not. I’m someone who just has to truly get things out there to get it out of mind. It eats at me otherwise and I feel embroiled and tense. I don't know why I publicly vent. My therapist said its a cluster b personality trait.

This week showed me who have our backs when things get ugly. Even ones we don't always get along with stood up because they recognized what was happening wasn't okay. That means everything to me. If you have a problem with something I said, talk to me directly. I'm a person. We're all people here. If anything the entire ordeal has made me closer with my friends and helped me make new ones. I made a dumb joke about protocol architecture and got called an ICE agent. That's not accountability. And I hate playing identity cards, but I have the type of skin color they target. I'm not going to defend myself against accusations of racism to people who were waiting for any excuse. I know who I am. My friends know who I am. If you want to believe the worst, I can't stop you.

The piece here originally had an essay about my mental illnesses, how hard I have to mask and deal with it to be a good member of society, and how scared I was that I’ve failed and fucked up enough that my methods dealing with all of it aren’t working and I’m letting my demons control me. I nuked it all, because frankly it doesn’t matter. I'm tired. A lot of us are tired. Maybe we could all try being human to each other.

There was another essay here writing about how the community just collectively burned someone running tools we all relied on everyday and chased her out. That’s gone too because I just don’t want to start more shit here and I’m sure she doesn’t either. Again I’m venting publicly because I just feel like it’s the only way I can get my feelings out of my head. I will say it’s gut wrenching to see things you fear happen to someone doing it right. I think that’s why so many of my friends who weren’t involved at all have deactivated their accounts and kept it that way.

I’m hoping after getting this out of my system I’ll regain my passion I had over this nerdy shit and wisp, my brain child and baby, but fuck.